That Lovin' Feelin'

That new gear smell. There is nothing like it. The scent of unsullied knee pads is almost intoxicating. Brand. New. Knee pads. They've been just dying to cradle my knees for 3 weeks. We have been on a summer break and I haven't busted 'em out once. They're just tucked neatly into my bag, waiting patiently for Monday night. Monday night NEXT WEEK. Gah! It's like Christmas morning only I know what is under the tree. It's torture! At the same time, I don't want to go back to practice. It's nice to go to BBQs and snuggle with my kitties and sweet man on the couch. I liked making dinner and watching a marathon session of Veronica Mars (you know the MOVIE is coming out soon, right??). It's all been very nice. And then I think of those knee pads.

I am excited to go back to practice, but I am also sort of leery of it. My derby wives are basically only going to be at a handful of practices before they leave town and go to other leagues. Leagues who will love them, and train with them, and skate with them while I won't be. I know what my derby identity is, and I know that I am not defined by them, but it does make me wonder what will happen to my voice without them. Who will talk me down from the ledge when I REALLY want to be an asshole?

I don't know. I can't foresee who my derby bestie will be in the wake of their absence. I never imagined I would be married in real life, so imagining derby wives was even more unrealistic to me. Yet, here I am, and there they go. Away. From me. From FoCo. I really have had the worst year. Every time I think it's going to be OK, I turn around to some new and totally unexpected horror. Being motivated to come to practice when I know that Mome won't come and pinch my butt or Femme's little pixie face won't smile back at me will be hard but I will do it.

There are all sorts of reasons I go to derby and they're not all because I really want to go. Sometimes I go because I don't have anything better to do. Sometimes I need to get away from my life and be "Molly" for a little while. Sometimes it's because I spent so much money on gear. Sometimes it's because I don't want to let people down; like Mome and Femme, or Mr. Maguire, or my friend Rose's kid Kyle. Sometimes the thought of a being something to someone else's 6 year old kid is enough to get me off the couch. Mostly I go because it's rad and I want to, but not always. Sometimes I go because I can't wait to make those BRAND. NEW. KNEE PADS. stink like moi. Bwahahaa!

Derby is a terrible and tricky beast. It worms it's way into your heart and takes hold and won't let go. Before you know what hit you, your thinking "I know I am going to be in the Maid of Honor that weekend, but maybe I could squeeze in just a couple days at RollerCon before? NO. But maybe..." you're spending  weekends watching WFTDA.tv and talking about ECDX and all the other awesome tourneys coming up this season. You're catching up on why Oly isn't going to be in the WFTDA Playoffs this year and the impact of "Sausage Derby" strategies. Derby will go on without my wives by my side, but it won't be the same. I guess it isn't meant to always be the same, but that isn't easy to deal with. There will still be WFTDA.tv and my friend's kid Kyle. Mr. Maguire will still yell my name in turn 3 and my dad and mom will still be at all my games. And there will be new, unsullied knee pads, waiting for my knees.

Derby Love,
Mollytov Maguire