January 24, 2013

I'm Working Smarter, Not Harder

Eye of the tiger, baby!
I had a breakthrough practice last week. It was one of those practices where my hits were well timed, where my feet were fast, where I didn't feel stressed out or pressured, and it was just FUN. This is exactly what it should be like. The week before (and every week before that) I spent what felt like the whole scrimmage on the verge of tears because I felt like I HAD to jam and couldn't, but this week I gave myself a break. This week, I decided that I would do one thing well and focused on seeing and understanding my position on the track and completing a job.

I think I have been feeling a lot of pressure to know what to do ALL.THE.TIME. when I am skating and the results are that I am 1. Confused. 2. Anxious 3. Doing a bad job at every position I try because I don't understand any of them well (or even poorly). There is a disconnect between what I think my skills should  be and what they actually are and my head is thinking 3 jams down the road. Needless to say, this is not how great derby gets played. At the start of our last scrimmage, I was at a point where I just couldn't be that stressed out again and learned to say "no" to disappointing myself again. I just had to decide that I didn't have any additional sh*%s to give to feeling low but I had a whole bunch to give to feeling good.

Jessie and I are the same amount of excited and scared.
Unfortunately for me, I don't have a Zack Morris to "hug it out" with.
Because of this leeway, I didn't dread every time I knew I had to take the track because someone would look at me and ask me to jam. I just concentrated on this one skill and, surprise! I improved and I liked not feeling like the dingy-est spazz on 8 wheels for a change. I think my confidence needed that break. Usually, I leave scrimmages feeling like it is the worst I have ever played because I am AWESOME  at beating myself up and you know what? That's pretty stupid. Do you know how much energy it takes to feel bad? As it turns out, it's the same amount of energy it takes to build myself up.

Adorable pixie of awesomeness = Femme
I have been talking with another up-and-coming skater (Thirfty Femme-i-Nifty) about this totally ridiculous propensity we both have to tear ourselves down. We (I) have decided that we're establishing a stronger culture of positivity starting RIGHT NOW by not feeding that ugly monster within ourselves. See, I am really outstanding at being someone else's cheerleader. I tell them it's OK to fall as long as you get back up, and I proud of all of them even when they aren't lead jammer (or don't even make it out of the pack) because I genuinely AM PROUD but it's really annoying that I can't feel that way about myself. So I am going to make a decision to be as kind to myself as I am other people. I am skill building right now. I am not a seasoned, experienced skater who has slick hits and jukes in her bag 'o tricks. I will eventually have them, but I don't now and I have to learn to be OK with that. I will move forward with the tools I do have and that is going to be sustaining. That will move me forward and keep me happy and hungry for more.

So that's it folks, Mollytov Maguire is going on a permanent vacation. I liked the break from self destructive behaviour so much that I am just not going back. And I am taking Femme with me. Pack your bags.

And then there were MANY sh*#s to give. The End.

Derby Love,
Mollytov Maguire



  1. If you can think it, you can do it, you can be it.... But you have to be here NOW. Shed your dread and BE your best. Hell yeah.

  2. Oh I did that shizz. TONIGHT. It was awesome. I love playin' derby with this big weird family!