These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...at RollerCon

RollerCon.  The Mecca of WFTDA roller derby.  Last week, thousands of roller derby ladies flocked en mass to the sparkling desert of Las Vegas in order to learn a few things, meet some new people, let off some steam, and play a ton of roller derby.  Now, I could write about a million pages on RollerCon full of sultry details and great experiences, but I think I'll settle with just telling you a few of my favorite things about this crazy conference.

I CAN HAS LEARNING?
The largest purpose of RollerCon is to turn average roller derby ladies into rockstars on the track.  Classes are offered by the most experienced skaters in the world like Suzy Hotrod, Smarty Pants, Trish the Dish, Demanda Riot, LuluDemon, and Scald Eagle.  These women are amazing skaters who tear it up on the daily with their nationally ranked teams, and in these classes they share all their dirty little secrets!  LuluDemon teaches how to outsmart another jammer, Suzy transforms passive skaters into fighting machines, and Demanda Riot is just plain scary.  RollerCon is about sharing information, strategy, and practice habits, and it helps even out the playing field for us girls who don't get to play for Gotham.

THE VAGINE REGIME
This bout never fails to disappoint.  The Vagine Regime vs. The Caulksuckers has now become an annual RollerCon tradition and is an incredible bout between gay and straight skaters.  This bout consists of the top skaters in the nation, but also includes the top fans as well.  These fans brave crazy costumes, dance, and lead cheers all throughout the bout. Why do you ask?  Because more important than anything else in roller derby, we are proud of who we are and we are accepting of others who are different than us.  Celebrating how we are unique is important no matter the venue, and what better way to do it than with vagina and banana costumes?

WHY, IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU...ER- COLONEL MUFFSTARD, IS IT?
Raise your hand if you've ever found yourself introducing your mom to someone named General Disappointment or Ophelia Melons.  Now take that and multiply it by 100.  That's RollerCon.  One of my favorite activities at RollerCon is just to people-watch and read everyone's awesome names off the backs of their shirts.  Each one is unique to the skater and I often find myself impressed at other skaters' ingenuity and bold choices.  Who wants a piece of Poysenberry Pie?  I do!

THE BLACK AND BLUE BALL
Now there are nightly parties and activities each night at RollerCon, but the Black and Blue Ball is the party. Skaters, Refs, NSOs, and the RollerCon Crew all come down to the pool at the Riviera decked out in their party best.  I danced all night on that floor and I saw a Marie Antoinette, the opera-singer from The Fifth Element, Cleopatra, a sausage, and a very nice man in a dominatrix outfit.  If you can imagine an all-out party until the break of dawn full of dancing, canoodling (whatever that means) and pool shenanigans with some of the coolest people on the planet than you have perfectly envisioned this party.  And as in perfect derby tradition, Trish the Dish DJ's and it's awesome.

SEEING OLD FRIENDS AND MAKING NEW ONES
"Seeing old friends and making new ones?"  Did I just step back into 1995 during a summer camp commercial?  Yes, because that's what RollerCon is: Summercamp.  You get to meet some really cool people and stay up late to all hours of the night telling stories and daring each other.  You also get to see all the friends you've made while playing other leagues.  This year there was only me and another girl from our league that went.  Needless to say, I found myself a little lonely.  I ran into the Ark Valley High Rollers from Salida, CO that we had played just a few weeks before and they pretty much adopted me as one of their own.  Hanging out with these girls was totally awesome and I know I made some friends for derby life.

I know, I know, now you're super jealous that you didn't go to RollerCon.  It's ok, it happens to all of us. The good news is, tickets go on sale this November for next years' con.  If you find yourself wanting to improve and have a great time next July, hit me up in Vegas.  I'll show you the ropes.

Cheers,

The Original Skankster

Black and Teal vs. Teal and Black! Wait..what?

On the morning of Saturday the 20th, Foco Girls Gone Derby started their mass exodus from their home of Fort Collins to the quiet mountain town of Salida, CO for a much anticipated double-header. The Foco Microbruisers were playing against the Ark Valley High Rollers, a team that has vastly improved within the last year.  The Punchy Brewsters also came to take on the Continental Dividers, Ark Valley's B team.  The Microbruisers had taken on the High Rollers Twice before, but it had resulted in 1 loss and 1 win.  Both teams were eager to see who would take home the trophy and finally settle the score.

The first half was as exciting as they come.  Both teams came on the track ready to rumble, and although Ark Valley pulled ahead, the Microbruisers weren't far behind.  Jammers for both teams were fighting hard to get through the back, and the pack was moving fast.  Foco had remained a steady 30 points behind Ark Valley when one of our star jammers pulled her quad.  Everyone was devastated, but we pulled together and started a new jammer rotation, including some blockers that hadn't jammed in a long time.  Once we decided to play to our strengths and stay conservative, we found ourselves climbing back. The second half was even more exciting than the first, and Foco managed to put more points on the board than Ark.  It was an intense bout, but ultimately Ark Valley won by just a few points.

The Punchy Brewsters came out to win as well.  With each jam they started strong and were incredibly focused.  For some of our girls, this was their first bout and believe me, they did us proud.  The Punchies and the Continental Dividers had equal lead jams, but Ark Valley managed to score some killer power jams that racked those points up.  We're very proud of our Suzy Muffin-Crusher and Pootie Tang that took away the MVP awards that night for Punchies, as well as Jersey Justice and Suga Smaxxx for the Microbruisers.

Although we didn't win, it's always a pleasure going to Salida to play the Ark Valley High Rollers.  These ladies remain the nicest, classiest, and most interesting team we have ever played.  They all have incredible attitudes, outstanding sportswoman-like conduct, and their smiling faces are always so welcoming and friendly (they also know how to party, I'm talking about you, RAD!)  We appreciate the relationship we have with them and hope to keep the competition fierce in the future!

Maid of (dis)Honor

Finding the right balance between life and derby is hard. There are so many derby things I would like to do but can't. Some of it is about money but a lot more of it is about the time. I just can't do all derby all the time because that would probably run off the last of my remaining non-derby friends not to mention my family. My best friend lives out of town and  before I started this little adventure I went up to visit her all the time. Since I have become a member of the league, my visits have been fewer and the time I have to give her is shorter, when I get up there, I am better behaved with my food and drink intake. I am sure this is annoying. I am not saying I am a saint, but I am saying it's different. She has known me for years and when we were at the grocery store and said "I think we're going to need something green, don't you?" I am SURE she was a little shocked.

My weekends away were usually smothered in bacon horseradish chip dip, hollandaise, and beer. Now they're more like red wine, hikes, and a fresh summer salad. This is not a bad thing, it's just another way that derby has changed my life. I am healthier on and off the track. The way I look at it, I am getting older every day and my derby career is one day closer to ending so I have to take advantage while I can. There are clinics and committees and practices (oh my!) that I can go to and even though I think all of those things make me a better league-mate and player on the team, I am not sure they all help my relationships.

I am rapidly approaching my first boutiversary and I am thinking back on all the things that have changed in that time. Those road trips I delayed because I had practice on Thursday so I couldn't leave until Friday morning. Or changing dinner nights with my family because Monday practice is too hard when you've eaten sooooo much amazing pot roast with potatoes. My family and friends have heard "I can't, I have derby" so much I am sure they want to scream. Often times, I feel like I agree to too many things and then fail at all of them because nothing gets the attention it deserves. It started with little things, using my lunch and break time at work to do committee work, then not having wine with dinner because I had to go to practice. What I am not sure they  know about are all the times that I give up derby things to be with them.

I am missing RollerCon because I am going to be the maid of honor in my afforementioned bestie's wedding. She is non-derby folk, but I love her anyway, and I am beyond stoked that I get to stand next to her as she takes this step. When she told me the date I ran to my calender so that I could make sure that my goldfish memory would retain it and saw that it overlapped RollerCon, my little heart cried "NOOOOoooOOo!" and immediately started thinking about ways I could do both. Alas, it was not meant to be. I could squeak out one day, but I am positive it would make me a really bad friend and an even worse MOH. So the thought was dashed from my mind. Mostly. There are still pangs of jealousy when people post "I got my pass today!" and it did take me until THIS WEEK to delete RollerCon from my calendar, but instead I will be happily supporting one of the single most important people in my life. She is only doing this once, and RollerCon is happening again next year. Skills, drills, scrimmages, and derby royalty be damned! I am goin' to Wyomin' for her wedding and there is NOTHING that could top it!

I am sure the timing will always be inconvenient for me to leave town on derby vacation, but someday it will work out. Someday.  I wanna make her weekend great; there will be memorable, beautiful, days full of love, nights around a bonfire, and laughter bouncing off the hills from all the friends and family that have come to celebrate. That is where I will find my derby/life balance. Remembering the people who knew and loved me before I loved derby is integral for maintaining any kind of sanity. Thinking about the impact of the modified rule set for the 2014 World Cup is exciting for a while, but it won't nourish my soul the way making a MILLION twine flowers laughing until my face hurts and my body shakes from gasping for air while I try not to pee myself waddling to the bathroom. We speak in our own language of grunts, inside jokes, and furtive glances. When she tells me "No way Jose!" it sends me into a fit of convulsions that I am sure my coworkers have confused for a seizure. No, I don't need medications for it, I just need muh beloved Snikki-pops.

If only I could get her to join derby... Is 350 miles (one way) too much to make it to practice twice a week? I am sure that saucy minx could wrangle something! Maybe?

Derby Love,
Mollytov Maguire

How Do I Explain Roller Derby to a Stranger?

That's the epic question, isn't it?  How can you explain roller derby to a complete stranger, and actually make them want to come?  As roller derby players we're constantly having to explain this sport.  Over and over again.  So, as responsible members of the roller derby community, when we're bombarded with curious people asking if we "throw bows" and "hit bitches," here are a few tricks to the trade on how to keep it exciting, legitimate, and honorable.

1. Don't Say "Girls."  I know, I know, many of us have heard this one before, but it's just as important now as it was 5 years ago (gosh, I sound like my mother).  Being called a "roller derby girl" isn't particularly offensive, but it's not very accurate.  Girls pick their nose.  They wear pink overalls.  They watch Dora the Explorer on Saturday morning.  And they cry because their My Little Pony got chewed up by the dog.  Now I'm not saying I haven't done any of those things in the past year (my overalls are purple thank you very much) but I play roller derby because it makes me a stronger, more confident,  ready-to-take-on-the-world kind of woman, and someone calling me a girl does not make me feel this way.  So ladies, call yourselves women, because you are.  If someone thinks that you playing roller derby is "cute," politely correct them.  You're a woman, you earned it, now act like one.

2. Use Visual Aids.  When explaining roller derby sometimes you just have to shut your mouth and use your body.  Don't tell people about roller derby, show them.  Give them a taste of what roller derby is like!  Grab a girlfriend and actually demonstrate how you land a hit, a t-bone, or a partner-hit.  I find myself doing this all the time.  These things will grab their interest, give them a better idea of how the sport is played, and they'll want to see it in full-speed with skates on.  Don't have a fellow derby-mate to grab?  Use them (if you're comfy with it).  Trust me, showing is better than telling.

3. Keep it Simple.  It's incredibly easy to get wrapped up in the details of derby.  Someone will ask, "So how do you score points?"  "Well, each team has a jammer and that jammer has to make it through the pack.  The first pass just determines who the jammer is and then on the second pass you can score points.  Every member of the opposing team you pass gets you a point unless you pass them illegally and then you don't get their point and if you go to the box you can't get any points blah blah blah..."
We all know the details of roller derby like the back of our hands.  We know the in's and out's, the illegal play, the complex rules, but whoever we're explaining this to doesn't need to know.  In fact, they don't want to know- at least not yet.  Once they come to a bout or two and get the hang of the sport they'll start asking you those complicated questions- trust me. Be patient, and you will be rewarded.

4. Stay Classy.  One out of every 5 strangers I tell about roller derby is...kind of a jerk.  They're rude, condescending, and usually a little drunk.  Don't let these people get you down.  When someone says, "Wow, I love how you guys just made up a sport because you couldn't play anything else," or "If men did roller derby they would be way better at it than you gals," or "Yeah right, you probably couldn't hit anybody that hard," shrug it off.  These people don't know you.  They don't know the long hours you've put in, the grueling practices, the blisters, and the sacrifices you make to play this sport.  Just look at them straight in the eye with a smile and say, "it's ok, it's not for everybody." And then walk away with your head held high.  Don't get steamed and argue with them, because you can't argue with crazy, and if people actually look at you and think the meat on           your bones can't cut it, they are crazy.

So if this wasn't enough to steer you on the right track (get it? track?) I've enclosed a pocket-sized version of an explanation for your reading pleasure courtesy of Penny Trait:

"It's a contact sport played on roller skates. Only one player from each team can score by getting past the opposing skaters so you knock her down so she doesn't get through or knock her teammates down so your girl can get through".

A little condensed, but feel free to add your own zest.  My best, and last piece of advice would be...

5. Make it Personal.  You can talk all day about the sport but why these people are really interested in is because they're interested in you.  They think, "This chick plays roller derby?  She's probably incredibly interesting!"  And guess what?  You are interesting.  Everyone's story is different, so make it personal by telling them how you got started, what you're favorite thing about derby is, how your parents reacted, or something embarrassing about the first time you put on skates.  They might want to know about the sport, but what they really want to know is, "what kind of a woman plays roller derby?"  Because right now, they haven't met anybody that plays roller derby, and that makes you the kind of woman they want to get to know.

Cheers,

The Original Skankster

That Lovin' Feelin'

That new gear smell. There is nothing like it. The scent of unsullied knee pads is almost intoxicating. Brand. New. Knee pads. They've been just dying to cradle my knees for 3 weeks. We have been on a summer break and I haven't busted 'em out once. They're just tucked neatly into my bag, waiting patiently for Monday night. Monday night NEXT WEEK. Gah! It's like Christmas morning only I know what is under the tree. It's torture! At the same time, I don't want to go back to practice. It's nice to go to BBQs and snuggle with my kitties and sweet man on the couch. I liked making dinner and watching a marathon session of Veronica Mars (you know the MOVIE is coming out soon, right??). It's all been very nice. And then I think of those knee pads.

I am excited to go back to practice, but I am also sort of leery of it. My derby wives are basically only going to be at a handful of practices before they leave town and go to other leagues. Leagues who will love them, and train with them, and skate with them while I won't be. I know what my derby identity is, and I know that I am not defined by them, but it does make me wonder what will happen to my voice without them. Who will talk me down from the ledge when I REALLY want to be an asshole?

I don't know. I can't foresee who my derby bestie will be in the wake of their absence. I never imagined I would be married in real life, so imagining derby wives was even more unrealistic to me. Yet, here I am, and there they go. Away. From me. From FoCo. I really have had the worst year. Every time I think it's going to be OK, I turn around to some new and totally unexpected horror. Being motivated to come to practice when I know that Mome won't come and pinch my butt or Femme's little pixie face won't smile back at me will be hard but I will do it.

There are all sorts of reasons I go to derby and they're not all because I really want to go. Sometimes I go because I don't have anything better to do. Sometimes I need to get away from my life and be "Molly" for a little while. Sometimes it's because I spent so much money on gear. Sometimes it's because I don't want to let people down; like Mome and Femme, or Mr. Maguire, or my friend Rose's kid Kyle. Sometimes the thought of a being something to someone else's 6 year old kid is enough to get me off the couch. Mostly I go because it's rad and I want to, but not always. Sometimes I go because I can't wait to make those BRAND. NEW. KNEE PADS. stink like moi. Bwahahaa!

Derby is a terrible and tricky beast. It worms it's way into your heart and takes hold and won't let go. Before you know what hit you, your thinking "I know I am going to be in the Maid of Honor that weekend, but maybe I could squeeze in just a couple days at RollerCon before? NO. But maybe..." you're spending  weekends watching WFTDA.tv and talking about ECDX and all the other awesome tourneys coming up this season. You're catching up on why Oly isn't going to be in the WFTDA Playoffs this year and the impact of "Sausage Derby" strategies. Derby will go on without my wives by my side, but it won't be the same. I guess it isn't meant to always be the same, but that isn't easy to deal with. There will still be WFTDA.tv and my friend's kid Kyle. Mr. Maguire will still yell my name in turn 3 and my dad and mom will still be at all my games. And there will be new, unsullied knee pads, waiting for my knees.

Derby Love,
Mollytov Maguire

And the Mome Raths Outgrabe

Photo by Alvin Green Jr.

After a day of derby
when the salt has dried to your skin, the
stagnate stench of your derby gear
lingering on your wrists and, marinating your body.
You ache in well worked places, with a satisfied
‘this is how I do’.
Hair: long or short takes a more natural state—
product having long ago melted and peeled away from your person.
Memories of burning toe stops, the sensation of a woman’s ilium in your thigh,
of people made up of muscle, bone, flesh and plastic.
What is derby but assaulting the Senses?

Anytime I brush a strand of hair out of my eyes my wrist-guard stink inadvertently wafts across my face.  It gets me every time.  To anyone else it is surely repulsive.  But to me, derby and my own derby odor gives me a satisfaction of, well, me; someone I’ve grown to love unconditionally over this past year-and-a-half with FoCo Girls Gone Derby (FCGGD).  I know what my body used to feel like, used to look like, what I even used to smell like, and all of those definitions of “me” have transformed.

The change from a demure gal into a fearless, smelly Girl Gone Derby didn’t happen overnight and I didn’t do it alone. As some of you may or may not know, I am leaving Colorado for a master’s program in Michigan (I checked, they have roller derby there - hello Lansing Derby Vixens!) and I want to use this opportunity to thank FCGGD, and bring forward all of those skaters who have made my life and derby career start off so wonderful. 

I couldn’t ask for a better derby family.  Beginning on Tuesdays with Double D-Struction, iOna Switchblade and The Original Skankster, these ladies helped define my skating style.  They pushed me to be “less like a tree and more like a bush,” and being 5’11” off skates, this no small feat. So thanks Double D and the Tuesday ladies for teaching me the basics of how-to’s and accepting all that would become me.  Without the selflessness of these derby women who bore and raised the derby larvae that was my class and the classes to follow, our league couldn’t have grown the way it has.  We’re a badass butterfly now, and it is magnificent.

Rules and strategy came with practice, but only with the careful guidance of the Officiating crew does derby success become an obtainable goal.  Krunchy, JewJew Bee, and Bladeybug let me stand inside the track and watch the penalties accrue—thanks!  I may have been helping a non-skating official (NSO) for my league and lending an unpadded hand when short staffed at a scrimmage or bout, but I was also channeling my inner Porifera and letting it all soak up.  After a few weeks NSOing things suddenly started falling into place—the rules made sense on the track and I felt less like a baby giraffe skating through pudding and more like an actual derby girl.  Thank you to those first trainers and officials who volunteered their time to help me and the other newbies understand why derby is the way it is.

I want to thank each person that I’ve ever met during derby.  Even if it was only for a single night, every woman and man that I have met through FCGGD has had an influence on my person.  Pages could be written, naming everyone accompanied by a story how they’ve touched my life: Dead Zeppelin, Pootie Tang, Inner Demon, Sequin Destroy, KermudJen, Dyers Eve…but that is too private for all of the blog-o-sphere to see.  Instead, I will give one final “Why derby is the best thing that has happened to me” before I sign off.

I have recently gotten Derby Married - to two of my best friends.  Thrifty Femme-i-Nifty and I were in the same starting class, and we immediately got along.  We had many of the same struggles with skating initially, but over the months we were able to help one another transfigure into more confident skaters.  Enter: Mollytov Maguire.  Molly was several starting classes ahead of Femme and I, and she was a wealth of derby knowledge and camaraderie.  I’ve never met two more supportive women in my life. A few Saturdays ago after our bout we brought out the rings and made it official—the crowd applauded, tears were shed.  After sharing physical and emotional bruises both on and off the track, the three of us are now forever bonded by derby-wifedom.

Even if I don’t land a hit at practice; even if I get repeatedly blocked and can’t juke through a single jam; even if my endurance runs thin: this is me and I will strive forward.  This has become my favorite type of me.  I love every foul smelling part of who I am; because of roller derby.  Because of FoCo Girls Gone Derby.

Mome Rath

Part of your World

Hey, did you know that competitive bouting is SUPER FREAKING FUN? Yeah, well I didn't. I had never done it before. I had only played on home teams until last weekend. FoCo Girls Gone Derby invited the Naughty Pines from Laramie to come down for some daylight derby. I was being pretty flippant about the whole thing until my line took the track. It turns out that playing with other people is really intense. I guess that is what all the vets meant when they tried to prep us...

This is what my bout day schedule looked like last Saturday:

8:00am - Woke up, set up a grand buffet of fruits and veggies that I will graze on constantly throughout the day
8:15am - Showered, ate more
9:00am - Optometrist appointment: selected new reading glasses, showed no signs of glaucoma, bout-day nerves begin
10:30am- Home to continue eating, initiate anxiety apartment cleaning sequence
11:30am - Begin straightening hair, applying crazy bout day levels of make-up (while eating)
12:15pm- Realize that I will never have optimal levels of glitter on my face, hair, and eyes and that I should have left the house 5 minutes ago to be on time for set up.
12:30pm - Arrive at bout venue, Qdoba Events Center, and begin set up processes
1:00pm - Off-skates warm up: jogging, hopping, skipping, flailing of limbs, and dynamic stretching
1:15pm - Gear up and on-skates warm up
1:25pm - Meet my Respite Care buddy for intro
1:30pm - Intro time - Skated in with my buddy from Respite Care = AWESOMENESS. I teared up a little. Real talk.
1:45pm to 3:15pm- Game time!

Proof that I did something in the bout!
Whose green tights are those? That's right. MINE.
Photo By Gravee 2013

Though my Punchy Brewsters lost the bout 263-231, it was still amazing fun. The Naughty Pines have some really great players, and it was just... FUN. I mean, sure there were some times when I was really frustrated, and yes, we were down by a small margin for pretty much all of the bout  (by small margin, I mean it was neck and neck, we'd take a small lead and then give them a couple power jams and they'd be ahead by 40 points again) but it was crazy to play with people I have never met before. Women who had a completely different culture and take on the game than our team.

I think what is really sticking to my ribs about this is that I still get to have "first times" in derby. I am looking forward to my first RollerCon in 2014 (crossing fingers), my first competitive tournament, my first boutiversary (coming in September), and so much more that I can't even fathom yet. I feel like I am  somewhere between veteran and newbie in my derby career and I am really curious now about what else I don't know. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the fact that there is so much I don't know and I am reinvigorated by that. Not that I was getting big for muh britches or anything, but I was looking for something. I knew there had to be more than scrimmages and committee work, and low and behold, I have found it. I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid when she is in her chamber full of human things:

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

And I do. WANT MORE. Fortunately, I get to have more. I have skate tools, extra wheels, I can talk kneepads and strategy (a little bit) but I want more! I am going to my second competitive bout next month and it's a double header folks, all hands on deck! Bucket list item: travel bout, check!

Derby Love,
Mollytov Maguire